Guys, I owe you an apology

The man who says “life is worth losing” turns 70 today. George would say that’s irony, not a coincidence. George Dennis Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last 47 years he’s been doing stand-up comedy better than anyone else on the planet. In the process he’s pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best…

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.

#1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

In 1957 the respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in, and many called up wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti trees. To this question, the BBC diplomatically replied that they should "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best." Check out the actual broadcast archived on the BBC's website (You need the RealVideo player installed to see it, and it usually loads very slowly). -More-

#2: Sidd Finch

Listen to the first woman who understood men.

I used to scoff and roll my eyes when you went on and on about how women were so different and complicated. I probably even told a few of you to fuck off when you got going on that. I wrote it off as simple chauvinism. But then I had an experience that changed my perspective: I tried to have sex with a woman.

My first experience was with a life-long lesbian, and, given her experience and comfort with the whole thing, she took the lead. I wasn't really aware of that because, as a life-long heterosexual, it didn't play out all that differently from the encounters I'd had with men (until we started touching each other, that is). A few months later I met Jen through a mutual friend. Jen and I had a lot in common and as we chatted we learned we had something very interesting in common: we both wanted to have sex with another woman. This revelation came very early in our friendship, and we were obviously attracted to each other, so it seemed inevitable we would end up in bed together. Jen had never been with a woman before, though, so as the more experienced person I ended up taking the lead, taking the male role.

So there we were, two young, healthy, horny women, hot for each other. I figured getting her naked would be no big deal. Was I fucking mistaken. We went on date after date, talking endlessly about who knows what. The whole time I couldn't relax - I kept trying to read her signals, what she said, her body language, trying to figure out if tonight would be the night. It was very strange - I usually loved talking with girlfriends, but this just made me feel exhausted and stupid. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn't I make it happen? And then it dawned on me: this is what guys do ALL THE TIME.

So we did eventually do it, and we had a great time. I thought after that I would be more relaxed, but I was wrong again. It did get easier with each successive encounter, but only slightly. I still felt that pressure to read her mind. Only after 3 or 4 times did I finally feel comfortable with her, and then she moved out of town. We still email and see each other occasionally.

So guys, I have seen into your world, and I can say now, you definitely have it tougher than we do. I feel your pain. And ladies, if you're reading this, go easy on them. If you want to get it on, just let them know. They're killing themselves trying to figure it out. And that's just getting in the way of some potentially good fucking.

Następny